Heroics For Beginners by John Moore

Author:John Moore
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Magic, General, Fantasy, Historical, Heroes, Fiction, Rescues
ISBN: 9780441011933
Publisher: Ace Books
Published: 2004-08-29T14:00:00+00:00

“You shall not defeat the man in black

That which you seek, won’t be brought back

The guards will falter when they attack

But you’ll marry a babe who’s really stacked.”

She made a face, opened her hand, and let the wind carry the scroll away. Then she knelt next to Kevin, took his hand, and said cheerfully, “Not a bad day. Voltmeter is dead, his army is taken prisoner, the Ancient Artifact is no longer a danger to anyone, Logan got his victory, and Sammy got a date. It all worked out well for everyone, don’t you think?”

“No!” snapped Kevin. He climbed back on his feet, but in an unsteady way. “No, I don’t think. Why does Logan get to be the hero again? His attack was a complete failure. Without us, Logan and his whole army would be food for the crows. But he gets to be the hero, and what do I get? Nothing!”

“You get to marry me,” Becky pointed out.

“Oh. Right. Well, there’s that. But still, look at me. I’m a bloody mess! I’m going to go down in history as Kevin the Bloody Mess.”

“Maybe they’ll call you Bloody Kevin for short. That’s not too bad. It sounds kind of fierce.”

“Fierce, ha! Everyone who saw me like this is going to report back that Voltmeter beat me. And that’s not true. I fought him to a standstill. He ran away from me!”

Becky was about to point out that, technically, Voltmeter ran away from the threat of Logan’s Black Guards. But she caught the words before she spoke them.

Because he was a hero, she realized. He had rescued her from the prison cell, even though she’d been caught again. He found the Ancient Artifact, although it had been taken from him. He’d held fast under threat of torture, but Voltmeter got the information he sought anyway. He had fought the guards and been beaten up, and he had battled the Evil Overlord and been trounced. He had done all of the things a hero should do and succeeded at none of them. Yet because he had done them, he and Becky had saved Deserae’s army, and only then could Logan defeat Voltmeter. She threw her arms around him and hugged him with all her strength. “It’s okay, sweetie,” she murmured. “You’re an unsung hero.”

“I don’t want to be an unsung hero,” grumbled Kevin. “I want to be a sung hero. I want to have songs written about me. Grand operas.”

“Grand operas are tragedies. You’d have to be killed first.”

“Opera buffa, then.”

“But those would make you look like...”

“Even a couple of madrigals would do.”

“I think you should...”

“A ballad at the very least.”

“Will you shush? Listen, sweetie, you’re not looking well. Here’s what I think. I think we should go back to the village and give you a bath and get all these cuts cleaned and dressed. And then we can have a nice, quiet dinner. And then we’ll go up to my room and light some candles and maybe open a bottle of wine and then.

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